The date is 7-8-11. As of today I've been smoke free eight years, seven months, three weeks, four days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 45 seconds. 126376 cigarettes not smoked, saving $15,796.81. Life saved: 1 year, 10 weeks, 4 days, 19 hours, 20 minutes.
No, I don't keep a running tally in my head. Those statistics come from my Silkquit smoke free meter -- a handy tool on my computer's task bar that keeps a running tally. Looking at all the money I've saved is an amazing thing. I quit when cigarettes were $2.50 a pack. Now the average in Colorado is $3.70. I'll leave you to do the math.
My mom died from complications of emphysema. It was not pretty, nor was it pleasurable watching her years of denial. It didn't give me a good feeling when she went on oxygen, nor undertook an operation so that the oxygen tube would be directly connected into her throat, bypassing the use of a nose candela, which made her upper lip raw. Sometimes we have great teachers in our lives who show us, by their example, what not to do. God bless you mom.
This quit is my second real attempt to quit, and the longest I've been smober. My first attempt lasted 2 1/2 years before I slipped. Both times my method of choice was cold turkey, although I did once try the patches. Whatever method works is the one that works for you. Quitting is the most important factor, not the method, and these days there are so many options available, like zyban, wellbutrin, patches, and cough drops. I also smoked rose petal or herbal cigarettes from the health food store off and on for the first couple weeks. Trust me, they are not enjoyable, not habit forming, but for me they helped get over that sensation of the tangible smoke.
My most valuable quit tool was an online support message board with AOL. Having help and support available 24 hours a day was a big key to my success. It made it real. No matter what all of us were dealing with, we could endeavor to overcome with humor, tears, encouragement, and facts. Much of what I share here was originally written on that message board. My hope is that it will serve to help others. When I first quit many years ago, I came across a smoke-free web page filled with humorous anecdotes. I knew then that if I could use humor, I could quit. And so it is.
May you endeavor to persevere on your journey. The journey IS worth the suffering, and the suffering is optional. Many blessings to you.
Myriah Krista Walker
NOTE: I can't seem to find my notes from the first few days of quitting, so the journal starts here.
Day 9
Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 11/21/02 10:51 AM Mountain Standard Time
Its day 9. I'm a little crabby today. Feel like my claws grew four inches while I slept. Had trouble drinking the coffee cuz my fangs kept getting in the way. Eeghads, I have to work with clients today and I surely hope I don't bite their heads off. Was real glad I had no smokes around me last night, and that I live 25 miles from town, because I'd have smoked one, but thankfully I didn't, its day 9, its just another day in paradise. Now, where's that file so I can sharpen my claws?
Day 10
(written in response to a question on the board)
Subject: Re: Got a question
Date: 11/22/02 10:25 AM Mountain Standard Time
It is safe to admit that you will change a lot. You are ending a love affair with Nic O. Tine. You've been his mistress a long long time. It may be painful, even emotional - you may still feel a burning desire for that relationship at times, but each day makes you stronger. Your marriage will survive, because you are taking away what made you cheat and divert your attention away from family.
One thought that consistently helps me is this. Yes, I know how to cheat - how to break a promise to self to quit, how to find butts in the trash or borrow a cig from a friend that will lead to a relapse. Yes, I already know how to do all those things, so I don't need to be afraid of them, because this time I want to experience something different. I want to know what it feels like to go the distance.
Subject: Recipe for a Quitter
Date: 11/27/02 10:49 AM Mountain Standard Time
Ingredients:
1 nerve-frayed human (any size), steeped in nicotine and tossed with guilt
10 Cups determination
12 Cups resolve
Shake and mix above ingredients and place in direct sight of smoking cessation message board. Check often every hour (unwise to leave unattended in first few hours).
After 24 hours rub lightly with the following:
Laughter
Compassion
Encouragement
Oven temperatures vary. Each has a different boiling point, but its best to stay with it until it turns golden. Everybuddy has different marinades of choice: some like their turkey's cold, while others apply gum or patches, and some like them flavored with zyban, wellbutrin, and thick layers of chocolate. Its all good. The golden moment comes at a different consistency for each, but it WILL happen when the thick outer shell of denial dissolves, revealing a beautiful toxic-free human being within.
Two Weeks
Subject: Louse in the House
Date: 11/28/02 12:55 AM Mountain Standard Time
Louse in the House
Twas the night before heaven
when all through the house
not a creature was stirring
except for the louse
the louse was in hiding
tiptoeing with care
so as not to awaken
reality's glare
it rifled through pockets
and coats on the rack
it clutched at its throat
while it stifled a hack
it was searching for something
that too well it knew
would bring no enjoyment
to this quitters curfew
amazed I sat watching
from within its eyes
as the louse moved my hands
and my feet - my disguise
I dug through the trash
finding no butts left there
I went to the car
but the ashtray was bare
I ranted and raged
and stifled a scream
the fog in my head
was a nightmare it seemed
its not like I saw it
for it had no face
just an energy of lies,
of deceit, of disgrace
it sought to control me
by making me fear
it wanted to discount
all that I held dear
it said “only just one
will ease you this night.
No one will know of it.
We’ll hide it from sight”
I saw something then
the edge of the knife
I could slip now real easy
or say no and choose life
yet somehow I managed
to loosen the grip
of the louse's bad thinking
that would have me trip
I took both my arms
and I gave me a hug
"No matter the thoughts
I'm no longer a slug!"
"I don't have to listen
to all of these lies.
I know that this voice here
is just a disguise
"For I am the one
whose in charge of this house,
this body, this mind,
its mine, not yours louse.
"Your voice is not welcome
no longer in here.
Get out of my mind.
Stay clear. Yes. Stay clear."
With a smile on my face
and a twinkling eye
I cast out the demon
I cast out the lie.
And so then it was
I had faced my own fright.
I silenced addiction
and brought it to light.
The louse lost its power
and now reasoning's at large.
No longer a smoker,
there's a quitter in charge.
Myriah
Two weeks, one day, 1 hour, 35 minutes and 15 seconds. 301 cigarettes not smoked, saving $41.73. Life saved: 1 day, 1 hour, 5 minutes.
How I relapsed
Subject: The question with no answer
Date: 11/28/02 4:33 PM Mountain Standard Time
Posting because I need to share, to listen to myself, and to get over this constant thinking today about smoking. Today's thoughts have been different. Today's thoughts are about fear - the fear that I would one day succumb to that false idea that I could have "just one" again. I read a lot of posts at Quit Smoking Links and the "Just One" page. I'm certainly not the only one who had a long quit and relapsed for a long time as well.
And what ever made me start smoking in the first place? As a child I hated smoking. Mom would bring her ashtray and lit cigarette into my room and I hated that. Couldn't she just not smoke in MY room? Geesh, the whole house stunk. Didn't I have a right not to smell it in MY room? I hated cigarettes. And maybe because I hated them, that's what the attraction was. Adolescence hit, rebellion, yea, do something you know will really irk your parents. It did. I started at 14, and managed to hide it from my parents until I was 15. My dad wouldn't let me get my licence to drive when I was 16 unless I quit smoking. I rebelled and smoked, and got my license when I was 18. Gee, I sure showed him didn't I! I went on to smoke for 21 more years.
I guess today there is a lot of discomfort in the realization what an addiction this is. What made me relapse from a strong 2.5 year quit that I was happily enjoying? I'd taken a vacation to Canada to visit a friend in British Columbia. During the vacation I was robbed. Someone suggested I work for the carnival in town - that they often hired people on the spot, and maybe then I could earn enough to get back home. So I did. Had a great time running one of those "Moonwalk" kiddie rides where the kids go inside and bounce to their hearts content. Made $400 for 3 days work. All the carnies smoked. I didn't really think about it, wasn't craving or wanting one at all. But when the 3 days were over and I was asked to help them break down the amusement rides that night, there was this weird idea that if I smoked a cigarette I would fit in better. I was feeling uncomfortable. I thought a smoke screen would help. Gee, I could just have one now, and that would be it. I bummed 4 or 5 that night, and when I left I talked myself out of going to town to buy a pack. I managed not to smoke for another week, until I ran into another friend, who let me bum a smoke. I bummed one for several days, just one a day. Gee, I could handle it. No problem.
A week later I was smoking a pack a day. I still remember every morning that first cigarette, and feeling the rush through my brain, literally feeling that I was thinking differently and was being altered by the nicotine. Addiction is pretty subtle. After a couple weeks I no longer noticed that I felt "different" when I smoked a cigarette. All I knew now was that I felt withdrawal if I didn't. I swore when I returned to the states from my vacation I would let them go easily. Yea, like addiction listens to territorial boundaries and the crutch would simply dissolve as I rode the ferry from one country to another. It didn't. Two years later here I am. Wondering at the insanity that could so easily slip into my thinking that would even suggest the remote possibility that it would be actually okay to have a smoke.
I don't want to pretend to be an ex smoker any more. I want to BE one. I can't handle the long-term idea of quitting forever, but just for today I can handle today, and the rest of the day, and feel grateful I live a long way from town. I was never one to walk a mile for a camel, but I certainly drove 27 miles for a pack of Winston lights pretty regularly. Those days are over.
I need to hear other stories. I need to know what sent you here. And I need all of you to know how grateful I am you are here, and sharing, and breathing clean air. Just for today. How grateful I am this Thanksgiving day that I'm smober.
Myriah
Two weeks, one day, 17 hours, 10 minutes and 4 seconds. 314 cigarettes not smoked, saving $43.53. Life saved: 1 day, 2 hours, 10 minutes.
My first smoke
My very first cigarette came out of no where. I was 14. A friend of mine had been over after school, and suddenly I had the compulsive desire to find a pack of my mom's smokes and steal one and light up. I didn't want to do this with my friend around, and I couldn't wait for her to leave. I was not influenced by anybuddy else - just a thought that entered inside that I could not control. So odd, because I always hated cigarettes.
I made up an excuse to get my friend to leave early - the compulsion was that strong, and then I found a pack of mom's Winston's and lit one up. I tore the cellophane off, and threw it away (which gave me away, because she, like most smokers, never tossed the cellophane off the pack) but in true form I claimed denial, and didn't have that compulsion to smoke another cigarette again for a few weeks.
I would never smoke around the friend that came to the house that day. It was another friend that I allowed to influence me to smoke. But I've never heard anyone else ever say they acted from an inner compulsion with no outside influence. I still think its odd.
Perks from quitting
Since quitting smoking, these are a few new favorites:
The smell of rose soap.
Being able to laugh deeply, fully, without fear of coughing.
The smell of coffee.
My hair is even on both sides because I'm no longer blow drying only half of it while smoking a cigarette in the car with a driver's side open window.
The feeling of breathing deeply.
The silence of my breathing. This is a big deal actually. I used to wheeze and whine and sometimes I'd look outside for that "bird" I just heard and then realize it had been my own breathing. The other day I was in someone's home and I heard THEM breathing. It used to be I'd try to breath quietly so nobody else would hear my breathing.
Omelets with havarti cheese, tomatoes, and mushrooms that have been sauteed in garlic butter. Yummy.
No longer worrying "when am I gonna quit this dang habit?"
Myriah
Two weeks, three days, 7 minutes and 19 seconds. 340 cigarettes not smoked, saving $47.10. Life saved: 1 day, 4 hours, 20 minutes.
Nicotine’s half-life in the human body is almost two hours . Within a maximum of 72 hours of ending all nicotine use the brain’s dopamine neurotransmitters cease sensing the arrival of any and all nicotine. The user is 100% clean. Amazingly, at the same time, the anxieties surrounding peak withdrawal begin easing off. The basic time trigger - the root catalyst for the creation of all psychological habit feeding triggers - goes unfulfilled and is quickly reconditioned. The abrupt cessation quitter begins to believe that quitting is truly doable at last!
BBC Health recently reported that 89% of all recent quitters quit smoking cold turkey.
(from article at whyquit.com)
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
ADDICTION'S DISASTROUS PROMISE
I have some promises I'll make to you
If you will do what I want you to do.
The more that you consume of me
The more will your losses be.
Here are the promises to you I make
And I promise the promises never to break.
I promise to take your money, your home
And all you can get in the way of a loan.
I'll take your character, your reputation too
Your good name, I'll take from you.
Your friends I'll take from you one day
Your family from you I'll turn away.
I'll take your care, I'll take your wealth
I'll take your job, I'll take your health.
I'll cause you to stay out in the rain.
I'll take your credit, I'll take your bail
I'll cause you to sleep in a dirty jail.
I'll cause you regret, remorse and pain
I'll cause your name to go down in shame.
I'll bring you misery, I'll bring you woe
I'll bring you trouble more than you know.
I'll take your clothes and pawn them too
The necessities of Life, I'll take from you.
I'll take from you days, I'll take from you years
I'll double the flow of your bitter tears.
I'll take your heart, give you one of stone
I'll cause you to walk through life alone.
I'll take away your desires to live aright
Your light of day, I'll turn to night.
I'll cause you to dishonor your mother and dad
I'll take away all the pleasure you could have had.
I'll turn your love for your friends to hate
Your desire to repent will come too late.
Your road to despair for you I'll pave
I'll cause you to fill a premature grave.
I'll put you in an institution for the insane
Your normal thinking will go down the drain.
I'll cause you to murder your very best friend
I'll trouble your mind to the very end.
I'll bring you contention, I'll bring you strife
I'll finish with you by taking your life...
Author unknown
Subject: Someone Help!!!!!!!!!!
Date: 12/2/02 2:10 PM Mountain Standard Time
(Author's email address anonymous)
i am 12 years old and my mom smokes really bad i try to help as much as i can but it doesn't help! she is allergic to the patches and the gum and i don't know what to do cause she has been smoking for about 23 years and she smokes about 3 packs a day! i really love and i don't know what to cause i am the only one that cares! so if some one can help me that would be great if you could e-mail me at _______ thank you !
From: IAMMYRIAH
Hi hon. I remember when I was your age and my mom smoked. I hated it. I really really wanted her to stop, but I couldn't make that happen.
The thing is, and it may be hard for you to understand, but if she's smoked that long there is a part of her that really DOES want to quit. But its scary. You see, we that smoke use the nicotine as a drug to deal with everything in our lives. Oh, we didn't think it would end up that way really. It just happened that we smoked doing everything, and that drug nicotine seemed to "help" us in everything we did. It seeped into our minds and our thinking, so badly that even though sometimes we cough or are sick because of it, that dang old drug just keeps a hold on us.
Your mom probably has a lot of fear about quitting smoking. I did too before I quit. I smoked for about 26 years. I quit for 2 and 1/2, made the mistake of smoking "just one" and got hooked again. Have just started this quit again, and am soooooo glad. The first three days are the worst, and then it gets better every day. The nicotine is out of your system in 72 hours, so that's the worst of it. She may not know she can get the majority of it out of her system so quickly (without patches or gum). She may not feel so good for a few weeks afterwards, but by the time a month rolls around she's gonna feel like a whole new person, with some tools to take new steps with.
You know, you can give your mom this letter if you want, tell her there are lots of people just like her, who also have kids just like you that wanted us to quit. From my own experience, and a lot of others here on the board, the fear of quitting was far worse than the actual DOing.
And you may need to realize that if and when your mom does decide to quit, she may need a few times to get it down right. I quit cold turkey, I didn't much like the patches, but I did let myself smoke herbal cigarettes that the health food stores sell, and that helped a lot in the first few days. They don't have nicotine or tobacco in those. There's many methods of quitting when she's ready. She's just got to get over the fear of it first. Its all DOable. For sure and for certain.
Good luck sweetie. BIG HUGS to you, AND your mom. She's lucky to have someone like you that cares so very much. My mom died from smoking 6 years ago. There's lots of help these days, and a support group, like this message board, really makes a difference. She won't have to feel alone when she finally makes her choice.
Best of luck to you and your family. Feel free to email me any time. Your and/or your mom.
Always with Love,
Myriah
I quit 11/12/02. Two weeks, five days, 22 hours, 38 minutes and 21 seconds. 398 cigarettes not smoked, saving $55.24. Life saved: 1 day, 9 hours, 10 minutes.
Subject: The in-between's
Date: 12/3/02 11:24 AM Mountain Standard Time
As a smoker, I didn't always smoke. There are many moments of life spent in-between the cigarettes. I've lived a life, enjoyed ups and downs, joys and sorrows, had grand moments and little wee moments. Just because I was a smoker doesn't mean all of my life sucked. Yes, I did spend a lot of time sucking on the cigarettes, but my life was still
happening.
This kind of thinking helps me as I'm moving through this quit. That I've already experienced a lot of "time" not smoking - I'm just now spreading that time outward, linking every moment together without smoke. Within me I already know how to live as a non smoker. My body intrinsically knows the feeling, because heck I can sleep many hours a night and didn't smoke through them! Surely I wouldn't die without them.
Quitting smoking, for me, is like letting those in-between moments that I never smoked at to expand and become bigger.
Myriah
Two weeks, six days, 12 hours, 3 minutes and 40 seconds. 410 cigarettes not smoked, saving $56.79. Life saved: 1 day, 10 hours, 10 minutes.
Blessing from Charlotte
Charlotte shared on our message board and was endeavoring to quit at the time, although she had lung cancer. Unfortunately, Charlotte lost the fight, and passed on shortly after sharing this message. I'm not sure if she was the original creator of this poem.
you are important
Don't say you're not important
It simply isn't true,
The fact that you were born,
Is proof, God has a plan for you.
The path may seem unclear right now,
But one day you will see,
That all that came before,
Was truly meant to be.
God wrote the book that is your life,
That's all you need to know.
Each day that you are living,
Was written long ago.
God only writes best sellers,
So be proud of who you are,
Your character is important,
In this book you are the "star."
Enjoy the novel as it reads,
It will stand through the ages,
Savor each chapter as you go,
Taking time to turn the pages.
**MAY GOD BLESS YOU**
CHARLOTTE
OLD TIMER'S PRAYER
Lord, keep me from the habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs, keep my mind free from the recital of endless details - give me wings to get to the point. I ask for the grace to listen to the tales of others pains. Help me to endure them in patience. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains - - - they are increasing and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet, I do not want to be a saint - - - some of them are so hard to live with - - - but a sour old person is the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places and talents in unexpected people. And give me O Lord, the grace to tell them so. Make me thoughtful, but not moody, helpful, but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends in the end.
AMEN!
3 Weeks
Subject: Temptation
Date: 12/8/02 9:59 PM Mountain Standard Time
Eeghads today was sooooo difficult. Everywhere I went there were smokers who did NOT smell lovely but had lots of cigarettes and it was all I could do NOT to ask for a cigarette. The mental mildew went on for a couple hours - thought I would give in but kept praying for help. Praying for strength. Felt like I had all of you in my back pocket watching over me. Next thing I knew an hour had passed and I hadn't felt any monkey mind seeping in. Today was not a day of physical craves - it was all mental garbage. Even silently sung some of our Christmas carols to keep my mind on track several times today. Ya know what? It helped!!! Today was so challenging, but I DIDN'T SMOKE. Whew. Just another day in paradise.
Myriah
Three weeks, four days, 22 hours, 37 minutes and 32 seconds. 518 cigarettes not smoked, saving $71.86. Life saved: 1 day, 19 hours, 10 minutes.
Subject: Present Time
Date: 12/10/02 12:52 AM Mountain Standard Time
I remember...when I smoked time went very fast. "I'll quit soon" turned out to be two years. Where did that time go? Looking back it seems like yesterday.
I remember...when I looked at the posts on this board when I first quit. Three weeks seemed like an impressive thing. Three weeks didn't seem so long. Goodness, folks were actually quitting, and I could do that. Surely three weeks would go like a snap.
I remember.... when I quit - three hours goes V..E..R..Y..S..L..O..W..L..Y and I begin to move into a time warp as the quit begins. Time takes on a whole new dimension. Driving takes on a druving dimension as a fog takes over and I know I lood real stupid dazing off into space so often.
...now I'm at 3 weeks 6 days - almost four weeks - and looking back it seems like a loooong time ago that I smoked a cigarette. Time does funny things when you quit smoking. It stretches and turns around, and yet a crave can come up and make you think you just had one, or a dream can come along and make you feel as if you just smoked. Hours can fly by, then three minutes of a crave can seem as if the planet stopped its rotation while I breathe through it.
Quitting smoking has revealed to me that there really is no time - there is only the present moment. Thank goodness I am present-ly a non smoker.
Myriah
Three weeks, six days, 1 hour, 26 minutes and 59 seconds. 541 cigarettes not smoked, saving $74.96. Life saved: 1 day, 21 hours, 5 minutes.
Subject: Re: 3 days of non smoking here
Date: 12/10/02 10:00 PM Mountain Standard Time
Someone wrote: "i am having such a hard time hacking not smoking ...i don't know what to do,i want to become smoke free but don't see it happening..lol>>>
#1 You have to be able to see it happening. If you keep seeing yourself as a smoker, your habits and actions will follow your thoughts.
#2 Don't beat self up. That is ammunition to smoke more.
#3 Realize you are learning - this may be tougher than you had thought.
#4 There WILL come a time when the DOing - that is not smoking another puff no matter what absolutely no matter what that means no matter what - will become more important than the "wanting" or "trying" to quit.
#5 When you are quitting - you need to have no cigarettes around period. You can't quit if you have smokes around. That's only taking a break. Quitting means they aren't available.
#6 When you are ready to quit, you won't cheat on yourself. You will be honest to yourself about everything you are doing. No matter what. You won't sabotage your quit by leaving smokes handy. You won't sabotage your quit by consuming yourself with "why do I really want to quit - this is so hard." You will consume yourself with "I'm going to quit NO MATTER WHAT."
#7 Keep posting, keep reading, keep at it. Be tougher than the thought or the idea. To be a smoker you must first think it so. To be a quitter, you must first think it so - and then always choose the thoughts that allow you to follow through.
Myriah
Three weeks, six days, 22 hours, 40 minutes and 39 seconds. 558 cigarettes not smoked, saving $77.41. Life saved: 1 day, 22 hours, 30 minutes.
4 Weeks
Subject: The waves
Date: 12/10/02 10:47 PM Mountain Standard Time
I'm patting self on the back here, and yes I WILL gladly take all your attagirls and way to go's because they help me out LOL - in 1/2 hour it will be 4 weeks!!!!! The craves they are not always, and they are not often, but they are different now. When they came today they were like a wave, all consuming, my mind filled with memories and visions and remembering's of inhaling and seeing and smelling it - it was an all sensory perception that for the two minutes it lasted I couldn't get my thinking around it and wondered why the heck I was quitting at all? I mean seriously, I doubted what I was doing, couldn't remember why I'd given them up. It was so weird, and I was so glad that I was a long way from a store or a smoker at that moment. I just sat in the car and breathed. That type of crave happened twice today. At the time it was happening there was a part of me that KNEW I did know why I was quitting, why I didn't want to smoke any more, but a temporary insanity was coming over me, or seeking to overcome me. Ya know, nicotine affects the brain. Me wonders if these type of craves are actually the shifting in the physical brain and the healing happening. Anyhoo, I was grateful to swim through and ride the crest of the waves today. I'm grateful and still amazed and quite humbled that in 1/2 hour I will have made 4 weeks. I have goose bumps writing this - it means so much to get here. I thought about it so long, wanted it so desperately, and I've gotten here sometimes easily and sometimes frightfully and sometimes with fangs and claws but I've gotten here. Thank God for that.
And in the morning when I post it will have 4W in the beginning. 4 weeks of wave riding. Numbers of cigarettes and hours and days and weeks and months don't mean much when we are actively smoking - denial makes sure of that. Quitting brings new life to every moment. I'm feeling quite moved by it all tonight. Thanks for listening.
Myriah
Three weeks, six days, 23 hours, 25 minutes and 46 seconds. 559 cigarettes not smoked, saving $77.49. Life saved: 1 day, 22 hours, 35 minutes.
Recognizing the mental manipulation of addiction
It is odd the affect cigarettes had on us. That subtle mental manipulation that must have been going on constantly, 24/7, but we gave it a fix every so often and so we didn't really hear all that banter that was going on before. Now that tape recorder is a bit louder. I know the batteries are wearing down, but the final raps and screams are mesmerizing.
I was thinking last night how mesmerizing the addiction of smoking really is. It comes through first with vanity - we think we'll look cool. At first it does feel cool. Then a cloak covers us as soon as we realize we're hooked. We quit thinking clearly, and because its been so widely accepted, we can smoke pretty much everywhere outside. I really do not want to give in for any reason.
One thing I'm doing to help me through these kinds of craves you are talking about Nick, and that I've been experiencing, is to write more affirmations in my journal. Get some empowered thoughts built up in my consciousness to combat them. Spend time writing down why I'm grateful to no longer be a smoker. I'm just not willing to give in to these thoughts, because I know sure enough I'll feel like @*I) after that "just one" - and for me I really cannot have just one. Its a pack or nothing, a pack every day, 7 X's every week, every year. No thanks.
Myriah
Four weeks, 10 hours, 12 minutes and 40 seconds. 568 cigarettes not smoked, saving $78.74. Life saved: 1 day, 23 hours, 20 minutes.
Children wanting us to quit
A question is posed "How many times have our little children asked us to not smoke?"
Oooh that got me. How many times did I ask my mom to quit? How many times did my daughter and my son ask me to quit? How many times did I get that nervous feeling, make an excuse and get away so I didn't see the looks on their faces. How many times as they got older did I get "that look" from them - the same look I gave my mom. Oh yes, this I needed today to help me remember.
Myriah
Four weeks, 10 hours, 25 minutes and 27 seconds. 568 cigarettes not smoked, saving $78.76. Life saved: 1 day, 23 hours, 20 minutes.
One Month
MY QUIT DATE – SPIRITUAL ASSISTANCE WITH QUITTING
Someone asked me on the message board, " When you quit, did you have a set "quit day" ahead of time, or did you just "spur of the moment" quit?"
This is actually an amazing story, at least for me, but I haven't shared it yet. I had a set quit date. It came and went. I wasn't ready. I set another one. It also came and went. I was ready but scared. I began to pray - I'm actually quite a spiritually minded being, and so that's always my main priority - and that helped me to set another date. It was far off, about three weeks away, but I was more determined. Then something happened that changed things - I had asked silently for a better connection to Christ. Perhaps that would help me to handle this. The next day a friend gave me the textbooks 'A Course in Miracles,' which I had never realized before were specifically about connecting with Christ. Miracles began happening in my life immediately. The more I read, the more I felt I was ready to quit. I decided to set my quit date for 11/17 (two weeks away from the day I set it), yet I kept getting a "nudge" that I could quit sooner, and the thought came up from somewhere "I can quit on the 12th." But I balked. How could that be? That was a work day? No way could I quit in the middle of a week. I needed time off to handle it. So I kept thinking 11/17 would be it. Then one night I felt that I could actually quit - I felt a help from this Higher Power, and I knew I could do it. I was ready. I smoked my last cigarette, and then laughed when I set the quit meter. It was 11/12. Five days before the day I had set, but the day that a Higher Power had prepared. And so I've been quit ever since.
Myriah
One month, two days, 22 hours, 43 minutes and 21 seconds. 658 cigarettes not smoked, saving $91.26. Life saved: 2 days, 6 hours, 50 minutes.
Subject: Speaking of not smoking
Date: 12/15/02 10:34 PM Mountain Standard Time
The power of the messages and messengers on this board help in so many ways. Today I was faced with being with a client that chose to smoke around me. I was not in a position to get away. What I was in the position to do was really face this addiction, then and there.
I knew I could bum a smoke really easy. Yet I didn't want one. I could visualize myself bumming one, even saw self inhaling. Then I breathed in the second hand smoke, and it wasn't that pleasant. It was old, stale, so old and stale for a moment I was instantly back at the age of 8 when my mom was smoking around me, and the smell was not pleasant, and I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to smoke. Then suddenly I'm transported back to the present. I inhale, thinking maybe I want to smell it deeper. Suddenly I'm remembering the posts on this board, the message poured into me over and over and over again "just one puff is all it takes." Then I begin to worry - if I breathe second hand smoke will I get the nicotine in me again and have to go through my quit all over again? LOLOLOLOL. That's when I knew I was NOT going to have a cigarette today. No way was that cigarette attractive. Not after as far as I've come. No thanks. Thanks guys for all the messages, the constant support, the telling me over and over and over again I cannot have another puff. Its sinking in. Just for today, I did not. Thank God.
Myriah
One month, two days, 23 hours, 13 minutes and 34 seconds. 659 cigarettes not smoked, saving $91.32. Life saved: 2 days, 6 hours, 55 minutes.
The following is a great essay frequently passed around the internet.
(You may never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.)
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how
things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.
She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked. "What's the point, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?
How do you handle Adversity? ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?
The first month test!!!!! Will it get you???
This copied from the message board, frequently passed around. Original author unknown.
In the beginning it is SO hard, but we are motivated to make it. Perhaps we have the support of friends and family in our new venture. Certainly we have the (perhaps unspoken or even unrecognized) hope of some reward SOMEDAY as payment for our efforts.
Then, against all odds, we succeed. Days become weeks and we still haven't smoked. Gee!!! We might make it after all!!! Then, BOOM the other shoe drops. We find ourselves amidst new cravings, seemingly as bad or worse than in the beginning. we are at or near the dreaded 30-day crisis.
Will we get by it??? Beware that many do not, so take this one seriously. Here is something of what is going on right now.
1. OUR SUPPORT GROUP IS DWINDLING: Though friends and/or family may have been supportive of us at first, our quit is now something like yesterday's news. Non smokers have already welcomed us to join their group, but their position is now largely, "So get on with it". nobody understands our continuing struggle or needs.
Our online friends have, those who are quitting as we are quitting, have been slipping away one by one. We forgot the statistics, forget the high odds against success, forget that we are among the chosen and blessed to have made it thus far. We just feel lonely and vulnerable.
2. OUR QUIT TOOLS ARE RUSTY: Early on we were willing to do anything to stay smoke free, some things quite bizarre. But we grew past that didn't we? We became ready to return to normal mainstream life, didn't we? We laid aside our drinking straws cut into lengths, disdained the forced brisk walk, quit the deep breathing. In brief, we abandoned the very things that got us this far, and our quit tools have now have rust on them.
3. AND, FRANKLY, WE ARE TIRED: The effort that it takes to deal with an urge to smoke, though less now than in the beginning, wears us down. It is like a tire with a slow leak in it. Slowly but surely our reserves are depleted. We get tired of fooling with it. We just want it all to be over.
Remember those rewards we may have thought would be there for us? Where are they now? For the life of us we can't see that the benefits are all that great. We begin to suspect that we may have to feel this way forever.
4. OUR PRIDE GETS IN THE WAY: Gee!!! We have four weeks smobriety!! All of a sudden we are expected to know something. We meet new visitors in the Clean Air Cafe, those just quitting, and we feel we should have something brilliant to share. We are reluctant to share our true feelings, to say "I hurt", "I need".
YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now is the time to pull out that list you make of reasons why your are quitting. What??? You didn't make one? Do it now, then !!!! There are truly benefits to quitting, though they may be a bit far down the road. Remind yourself!!!
Recruit an ally. I picked one person and assigned them a part to play in my recovery and this is what I had them do. I had them memorize two lines, "But you have come so FAR" and "But you don't want to go thru THIS again" and had them remind me anytime I felt weak that, by golly, I HAVE come so far and I do NOT want to go thru this again.
GO BACK TO WHAT WORKED BEFORE, Pick up your old tool kit from the closet floor and do some things that worked for you last week, last month, last quit. It may be a good reminder of where you have been.
HELP A NEWBIE This is the test of whether you really want to be free. Are you willing to help another to escape? Of all that we can do, nothing helps us more than helping another.
THIS IS FIRST AID We are in a process that has an end. This will not last. We will recover. We will feel better. We are worth the effort. We can do it just a little longer. We refuse to let that *#!@%%!! old Nicodemon win again.
Subject: Re: But I've Always Liked being Nice....
Date: 1/4/03 4:55 PM Mountain Standard Time
This is in response to someone who wrote how they've become bitchy and angry now that they've quit.
Who you really are will never diminish without the cigarettes. But often we used cigarettes instead of reacting when reacting was OK and NORMAL. Often I'd go out and light up and "think about it" instead of deal with the situation right then. Its okay if you react too strong - its okay if you be a bitch - that's not your real or normal self, its just a reaction. You will learn to temper it too as you get more comfortable speaking your mind. Its part of getting away from the smoke screen.
Myriah
One month, three weeks, one day, 17 hours, 36 minutes and 17 seconds. 1054 cigarettes not smoked, saving $146.07. Life saved: 3 days, 15 hours, 50 minutes.
Two Months
Subject: Re: hangin on a thread...
Date: 1/17/03 4:46 PM Mountain Standard Time
My response to another post.
Over time we learn to weave a new web, new threads that keep us moving forward. The old threads had an ugly yellow stain on them and smelled funny. Some were burned or slightly melted. The new threads are stronger, because we've woven them with UMPH from our triumph. They've been tested and strengthened by saying no to the cravings for the old threads. Their warp and weave become tighter with time. Prayer helps a lot in letting go of the old threads. You are weaving a new life here now, surrendering to the new experience of being a non smoker. It will get more comfortable in your new clothes with time. I had to keep telling myself that I can't be a non smoker if I don't give myself the experience. Some new clothes are worth the time it takes to weave them.
Myriah
Two months, four days, 17 hours, 27 minutes and 11 seconds. 1314 cigarettes not smoked, saving $182.06. Life saved: 4 days, 13 hours, 30 minutes.
Subject: Blizzard Thoughts
Date: 2/3/03 10:23 AM Mountain Standard Time
Yippy skippy - last night we actually had a blizzard here in the mountains of Colorado. We've been in such a drought, and it had been so warm we were worried the bears were going to come out of hibernation (which would NOT be a good thing this time of year). Alas, snow has returned. But as I was driving last night, the blizzard reminded me of quitting smoking. The road was a familiar road, although I could sometimes barely see the twists and turns of it. There was a lot of trust and prayer involved in just maneuvering the snowy road.
Quitting smoking has been like that for me. I know the road is familiar, because I quit before. The snowflakes are like the many thoughts that swirl and seek to tempt or influence me. But I'm shielded from them if I choose not to listen, just like the car protects me from the snow. Sometimes we just don't know how were are going to get through the day, or the next hour, or maybe the current moment, but prayer has a way of taking your hand and getting you from here to there. Have a wonderfilled smoke-free day everybuddy!
Myriah
Two months, three weeks, 11 hours, 3 minutes and 8 seconds. 1649 cigarettes not smoked, saving $228.42. Life saved: 5 days, 17 hours, 25 minutes.
Subject: Re: How/Why does it happen?
Date: 2/4/03 10:07 AM Mountain Standard Time
Someone posts, " Is smoking a physical or mental addiction?"
I think you already know the answers to this. During the day as you smoke, keep track of when you are physically wanting one (like that first one in the morning) and when you just think you want one; the ones you smoke out of habit and not realizing you are smoking until half gone; the ones you light automatically cuz someone just cut you off on the highway/said something unkind/looked at you the wrong way/gave you a hug/congratulated you/you need a reward, yada yada yada. You smoke when you are happy and when you are uncomfortable. The emotional/mental triggers are more subtle and undermining than the physical ones.
The biggest part of my recovery from smoking has been learning to have different thoughts and LISTENING to them. There are a million thoughts that suggest I smoke, and only one that takes care of it all. NO.
Myriah
Two months, three weeks, one day, 10 hours, 48 minutes and 30 seconds. 1669 cigarettes not smoked, saving $231.16. Life saved: 5 days, 19 hours, 5 minutes.
Three months – feeling calmer
one must have chaos in oneself
in order to give birth to a dancing star
nietzsche
I saw this on another board, and it inspired me. I have often thought of this, of the chaos in my mind and body when I first quit, and how after a time, if I don't do anything about it other than seek to soothe myself and NOT smoke no matter what, after a time the chaos settles down, like a hurricane that has lost its fuel, and a calm begins to grow within.
My thoughts loosen and relax. The fog lifts and dissipates. Breathing becomes naturally deeper. My smile widens from a deep sense of accomplishment. I am naturally happy because I've finally done something I have thought about every single day for a long long time.
Yes, a dancing star is born when we quit. We are acting on that part within ourselves that IS real, that IS true, that IS not controlled by addiction or outside circumstances.
Just for today I am dancing. At 11:30pm tonight I reach another milestone. Ah, but then that will be another post. Have a wonderfilled day everybuddy!
Myriah
Two months, four weeks, two days, 12 hours, 3 minutes and 59 seconds. 1830 cigarettes not smoked, saving $253.46. Life saved: 6 days, 8 hours, 30 minutes.
Subject: Obsessing
Date: 2/18/03 11:10 PM Mountain Standard Time
I remember reading some time back in a non smoking folder that quitting smoking only left our compulsive nature free to find another avenue, and that we were never free of it. I scoffed inwardly at that.
But I'm seeing something in myself this time around that I don't like, and that is a compulsion with food. I may not be thinking about cigarettes every day now, but I certainly find food thoughts creeping in a lot. Before it was a constant "when are you going to quit, you have smoked ___ cigarettes today, tomorrow you will only smoke ___ cigarettes, oh well, you've doubled what you normally smoke, now what are you going to do." All these thoughts are replaced with "did you see that sign in the grocery? you can get two dozen donuts on sale for the price of one. Okay, you know you don't want to eat that many, but look here, your favorite onion bagels are on sale. Six bagels are less bread than 12 donuts. Or how about chocolate? Something chewy, or something creamy. Or is it something salty you want...." Or on the way home my mind is perusing the contents of the cupboard at home and making sure I haven't left one item not stocked up. Good lord, I have enough food in my pantry to feed me for three months - just who is afraid of running low on fuel here?
Yada yada yada its like a non stop Am Trac in my mind that I have to keep ignoring. I was never obsessed about food before, even when I quit smoking before. Its horrible. Yesterday I was in the store and they had 4 candy bars on sale for $1. I picked them up as I went through the store for something else. I was proud of me because I put them back before I checked out. I didn't want them. The sale sign was trying to tell me it was okay for me to buy chocolate in bulk and binge on it. Ya know what? Its not okay. And just as nicotine has its subtle ways to keep me smoking, I need to pay attention in the grocery store at the subtle triggers that seek to keep me feeding this ego self that is never satisfied with just one. It wants two packs and 3 dozen, simultaneously. The stores want me to buy two for one. Right now I need to learn not to eat that one.
Sigh. I haven't gained more weight, and I haven't lost this week. But my awareness is growing in leaps in bounds. Yesterday I did 20 laps in the pool. Progress, not perfection. Thanks for listening.
Myriah Date: 3/7/2003 10:25 PM Eastern Standard Time
Feeling the need to ramble a tad. I was just reading from my journal about the evening that I quit. I giggled to see the "fear between the lines" and the words of encouragement I was projecting. It was also hilarious to witness my inability to write legibly as soon as I quit LOL.
I realize now that for years and years I was never afraid of succeeding regarding quitting smoking. It was the fear that I would be tethered for life that actually kept me puffing away. The fear that I couldn't commit made me never try. I projected failure, and believed that in myself for a long long time.
But I think a major shift in consciousness is happening. Not just here, with you and me and the success we are sharing in our quits, but also in our own world and environment. The increase in advertising, the people talking more about their desire to quit, my coworkers telling me they are trying to cut back and taking steps to quit after watching me quit. Millions of people have successfully quit smoking now, and I think the word is getting around.
There were some things that had to slow down or take a back seat for a while. My writing sat on the back burner, as well as painting and drawing. I've had to take time for some serious cocooning and inner reflection. Sometimes my mind wasn't clear enough to read a book, and sometimes I've spent days doing no more than watching videos. Some days I couldn't handle being around others, and some days I surrounded myself with people. I'm remembering how important the little things are that cause me to feel at peace, and serene. Those things I'm daily grateful for that encouraged me to take this smoke free journey in the first place.
The last couple days have been tear-filled ones. I've also been ill with a cold, and so I take that into consideration. I was getting in serious danger of feeling deeply sorry for myself today, when suddenly something shifted, and that writers block that had been silenced for three months broke through. Along with it came a huge wash of Love, Peace, Joy, and Gratitude. There is so much more to my life than being an ex smoker, although this is THE focus at this time. Everything else, all the future joy and good feelings depend on my being smoke free today.
I'm sure grateful for all of YOU, and having you to share my experience with. You were a surprise gift - those powerful voices of support that I keep secretly in my back pocket to help me along the way. Thanks guys. Keep talking. I'm still listening.
Myriah
Three months, three weeks, one day, 20 hours, 57 minutes and 32 seconds. 2297 cigarettes not smoked, saving $318.20. Life saved: 1 week, 23 hours, 25 minutes.
Ten Month - Reflections
|
||||||
I was walking through the grocery store parking lot the other day and an older woman, probably in her late 60's or 70's with white hair, was smoking. I looked at her, and she sheepishly hid her smoke and turned her face. I used to be like that, embarrassed to be seen smoking.
It always amazes me now to see smokers outside that have NO sense of shame or embarrassment at smoking in public. I guess I gained that feeling after I quit the first time, realized how much I had really stunk and what a nasty habit it truly was, and then when I'd relapsed there was no more denial. I was never one that could smoke around strangers - I didn't want to offend. Its almost appalling now to have a stranger smoke in my face - how rude! Actually, that hasn't happened in quite some time - I would most likely give 'em heck for it now!
I've also recently seen some quite elderly smokers - in their 70's or 80's - hacking and coughing sitting on a public bench. What struck me as standing out was that you don't see elderly smokers that often any more. There aren't that many left. Sad but true. I'm reminded of my mom. She smoked until she was forced to quit. Smoked too long, got emphysema. Nasty and embarrassing way to go. There's a desperation feeling watching someone that old smoke. I feel a great sense of compassion for them - the years of fear they have been harboring with each inhale.
My coworker comes to the staff meetings always 15 minutes late, accompanied by a cloud of stink. That used to be me too! (not being late, but stinking) Isn't it strange to realize you used to walk around in a cloud of stink all the time? And nobuddy said anything! THAT's what the amazing part is. Well, actually, there were those odd looks and seeing somebuddy subtlety back away that gave a clue LOL.
It is so amazing to be free of that addiction, that daily tether. That coughing is now an event, not an every-few-minutes activity, a first and last sound of the day, and something that woke myself up and others throughout the night. You could never have a normal or innocent cough when you smoked anyway. ANY cough was subject to getting one of those looks from people that suggested you are smoking too much and must quit.
I go to the public hot sulphur pool weekly with clients. My clothes used to stink with cigarette smoke all closed up in the locker for an hour. Somehow soaking in the hot sulphur pool would clear my nose and I could always smell the nicotine on my clothing afterwards. Eeeewwwwww it was not fun putting them back on after a shower. Now there's no more smell.
My pockets would be loaded with butts after a hike (I wasn't one that could toss them on the ground - takes 5 years to biodegrade don'tcha know). There's no more tobacco crumbs everywhere in my purse, stuck on the edges of the lip gloss containers or getting into my fingernails when I have to dig deep to the bottom of the bag. I don't have to dust off the crumbs when I pull out a note in my purse to give to someone else.
And that ashy film that used to be on everything - isn't it nice not to have to deal with that all the time? Sigh. I'm so grateful to be a non smoker now!
Myriah
Nine months, four weeks, two days, 14 hours, 46 minutes and 18 seconds. 6072 cigarettes not smoked, saving $834.83. Life saved: 3 weeks, 2 hours, 0 minutes.
One Year
Once upon a year ago
I sat right here and smoked.
I told myself it was the last
As I coughed with it and choked.
Many smokes had marked my path
Until the day I quit.
This was the second time for me.
This was the shoe that fit.
The last time that I had quit smokes
I stayed smoke free two years.
I’d never felt so free before.
I’d never seen so clear.
I treasured every moment
Without the smoke and ash.
My house smelled clean and so did I.
My pockets filled with cash.
It matters not why I relapsed
For it brings me no joy
To remember it and dwell upon.
It was a selfish ploy
To keep me tethered to the smokes
And spend my hard earned money.
And wake up every morning with
A cough that wasn’t funny.
My first thoughts of the day were that
Of satisfying need.
To inhale deeply, breathe again,
And my addiction feed.
No hunger can ‘ere match the depths
Of a smokers need to smoke.
To fill the lungs despite the coughs
And live to take a toke.
Yet every exhale does contain
The desire to be free.
And so, one inhales satisfied,
And exhales misery.
It is a dance that is insane
And causes one great guilt.
And so it was I danced again
Two years upon that quilt.
Until I once again said STOP
And put the smokes aside.
I saw myself quite clearly then.
From truth I could not hide.
I put away the cigarettes,
The lighters and the tray.
I found myself a message board
And did what quitters say.
It is amazing, this fine walk
Into health, Self Love, and joy.
The confidence that births anew
And the power that is deployed
Cannot be given or expressed
Or truly understood
Until one puts the last smoke out
And removes their smoke-stenched hood.
The journey into freedom
Is a course in S.E.L.F. A.W.A.R.E.
Detoxing is horrible,
With nothing to compare.
But it doesn’t last, it is not real,
Its illusion at its finest.
It brings to mind all of the lies
That kept you chained and harnessed.
All of those thoughts and feelings
That you ever smoked over
Rise up to scream and shout at you.
You’ll want to take cover!
But face them all, and you will see
Within you is the power.
Keep saying no, no matter what,
And soon you’re a way shower.
You’ll reach out to another
As they take first steps smoke free
And with a smiling assured hand
You’ll calm their misery.
One hope leads another
Into one day at a time.
One moment is the finest key
To freedom so sublime.
Each of us is one gold link
In the chain of humanity.
One breath can change a moment.
One word can set you free.
I look into the mirror now
And see Who I Really Am.
Not damaged goods, or gray with ash.
I’m free. I’m clear. A gem.
11/12/03
One year smoke free
Myriah Krista Walker
Unlimited gratitude and thanks to each of the golden links on this message board. There are no words that really convey the depths of what I feel for all of you. I know you understand. Thanks for being here for me.
One year, 20 minutes and 25 seconds. 7300 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,003.79. Life saved: 3 weeks, 4 days, 8 hours, 20 minutes.